Jackie's Story

I am a 30 something, married with two children. I had been married for 16yrs and I was always known for my bubbly appearance and character, always laughing and having a joke with everyone. Until I settled down and started a family I worked hard in sales for a very successful Marketing and PR company in London. Partying every weekend until I dropped was my release from the stresses of work, chasing targets and deadlines.

               I had a huge group of friends which included a variety of ages and was a good mix of both sexes. My husband (then boyfriend) worked in the finance industry and like me was both successful and loved to party.

               So why am I telling you about me, Paula asked me if I would be brave enough to share my story to possibly help others who are going through what I did. This is taking a lot for me to do this, but I feel that if sharing my experience can save even just one person then it’s worth doing. A few moths ago I was at the darkest moment of my life when I tried to end it. What had changed to bring me to the horrible state of mind that would see my children grow up without a mother. How could a mother even consider it? Well I was as I said not in a good place, I could see no way forward at all. I had been self-harming for some time but even that wasn’t not giving me any mental freedom anymore.

               A chain of events led me this dark place starting with my husband being promoted several times and meaning he was working away more often. Our once very strong relationship was becoming distant with constant arguments over the phone, and sadly when he was home often in front of the children. He was never there to pick up the kids from school and after school activities, even on the odd occasion when he was supposed to, he would either forget or cancel. I had lost my way in life and especially at work. From managing 10 very high-profile accounts in London and surrounding areas, I had none. I had been making too many mistakes and gradually my clients were reassigned by my manager to a new up and coming version of me. Blonde, bubbly, outgoing and more importantly “on it”. Seeing her with my clients, laughing and joking cut me to the core. I had asked for a transfer to one of our other sites, but my boss said no, he said that he didn’t want me to f**k up there as well and needed me where he could keep an eye on me.

Going to work every day with people who had been great friends as well as colleagues but now don’t even say hello or ask how I am was killing me! This isolation had affected my family too! The once successful daughter that my parents had been so proud of was now struggling to keep any type of job, earnings had plummeted with no bonuses or even a chance to get one; and in their eyes I had wrecked my marriage. Mum said I needed to pull myself together as I was always crying and off sick!

The final straw was seeing my husband’s phone light up but there was no alert, he never used to have his phone on silent. I couldn’t help it, but as he was in the shower I took a look, to my utter amazement I discovered that he was arranging to meet someone that weekend, a weekend that he’d told me he had a conference to go to in Birmingham! It said that the hotel was booked and that she couldn’t wait to see him, she said she had packed his favourite underwear! His previous text to her was to reassure her that I didn’t have a clue, and everything would be fine, I was so wrapped up in my own self-pity that he could get away with what ever he wanted!

So as the children were staying with his parents that weekend I was home alone, no one to talk to or even wanting to talk to. I had decided to end my pain, whether you understand or not for me it was the right thing to do. I went for a walk to a near by river and had taken a lot of tablets and drunk a lot of Vodka, I thought that as it was very dark I wouldn’t be seen or stopped. Fortunately, on my way I passed out and a passing taxi driver saw me and called 999. Luckily after pumping out my stomach and doing what they do best, they nursed me back to health, however, because I’d tried to take my life I was forced into sorting myself out if I ever wanted to see my children again. This is obviously a brief account of the process, but it was like that in a nutshell. I struggled with the counselling, especially at the start and until my doctor explained that the process works best when the person you are seeing you can relate to and you find yourself comfortably telling them about your world without holding back. The first few that I saw I never settled with, I felt that they saw me as an idiot who had everything and threw it away. I was just another patient who was walking through a void and nothing was going to change it.

Through a little bit of luck, I came across Paula at Stress Right and during my first session with her I realised what my doctor had meant, I found myself just pouring it all out, all of the gory details without hesitation. Wow, I still have a long way to go but I really do believe I can get myself back to who I was. Paula has helped me find a part time role with a smaller business and a very understanding boss who says he wants me to grow into the role as and when I’m ready. He said that he sees my potential and understands that I will probably want a bigger challenge at some point in the future, but he wants to help me achieve that! I wish I’d worked for him some years back and as it is at the moment I can’t see me wanting to leave.

I have to say that although Paula isn’t in her words a counsellor in the usual sense of the term, she has been everything I needed. Paula’s stress management is great, but I believe her training as a Samaritan was what drew me in. Talking with her has got me through many ups and downs. She is my go to support shoulder where so many of my previous friends and colleagues failed me in the past not realising that I was sinking into an abyss of isolation. Paula has me rationalising like never before, I can even speak with my ex without wanting to rip his head off. I’m loving the contact I now have with my children and look forward to getting them back at some stage. I can’t thank Paula enough for her understanding, empathy and the kick up the arse she gives me.

I apologise for some of the gaps that I haven’t touched on, even now some of it is still quite painful but I am definitely getting there. In fact, even just writing this has helped, yes Paula you were right about that as well!



My best advice to anyone who feels that they are sinking in a pool of inability to cope would be to find someone that they can talk to and if you can get help, find your Paula. We are all worth saving so on the flip side if you notice a friend or colleague who seems to be changing, becoming distant or even argumentative out of character, be understanding, be prepared to listen without judging, be a friend not a critic.

Thank you Paula

Jackie T