My name is Sue, and this is my story.

Since I started work as an administrator some time ago, I’ve always strived to do the best I can. I worked my way up to being the office manager and some 15 years later I was unable to sleep, I had regular panic attacks, I also suffered from constant headaches for which I had been under the doctor and had scans etc. but no obvious cause he said. I cried a lot for no apparent reason, I felt like nobody understood me and that when anything went wrong at work it was my fault. A little bit of a ramble but that is probably about it. Actually, I walked away and thought about it and it took me a good half hour to do this bit, I also tried to end my life. Wow that took a lot to put that down.

I had found myself in a very dark place until I eventually gave in to a friend’s pressure and started to research what I could do to overcome this completely overwhelming dread.

I went to the doctors but didn’t know what to do or say, in the end I just said I wasn’t coping and started to cry uncontrollably. He signed me off for a month, prescribed some tablets that I didn’t take because they made me feel worse, and referred me to a programme saying that they would be in touch in due course. It took forever, I was back at work for some time before they got in touch. When the wellness programme started, I found it to be very structured, the steps seemed extremely rigid I couldn’t really ask questions as she just kept saying it’s probably covered in the process. It just wasn’t for me. I tried a few counsellors/therapists but again I found their approaches very cold and in one case I just seemed to interfere with her social schedule. So yep, I gave up again believing it was me and I was a lost cause.

Eventually I came across Paula and we just clicked. She actually let me talk without interrupting me with long words and hypotheses. She let me poor my heart out and was very understanding and empathetic. She gave me little exercises to do in between sessions which I did half-heartedly but Paula saw right through this and with her guidance and encouragement I soon saw the value.

Most of my problems went back to my childhood, I always thought it was to do with work and working with idiots. When Paula asked me about my childhood it took me somewhere, I wasn’t expecting. I had very pushy parents who always pushed me to do better. If I got a “B” if I got an “A” why wasn’t it an A+? and then there was all the other subjects, it’s no good just excelling in one or two. I never realised that this was setting me up for a future of always underachieving, actually I mean thinking that I was underachieving. Always believing that what ever I did could’ve been better. This explains why at work I only ever saw the faults in others and what they did.

If anyone did say well done or good job, I saw it as patronising because I could’ve done better.

Paula taught me a lot about emotional intelligence which helped me to understand why I felt and responded like I did, and why others acted and reacted as they did. This phase was fascinating, and I’ve carried it on for myself.

Once I started to notice my emotions and stress levels changing, I was able to deal with them relatively easily. I learnt so much about myself and why I was the way I was. I understand why my parents were pushy but there was never any balance to it. I can now see what is good in what I do and if there could be improvements then it’s all part of developing oneself. I see my good qualities and can accept my mistakes, and I have value, not only to my employer but also society. I am now a much stronger person; I’ve learnt to prioritise and to push back and say no when justified. The best thing of all is I now actually like myself.

Thanks Paula, I really couldn’t have made this progress without you. I’m sure you understand why I omitted some bits. This should be vague enough to keep my identity private.



Sue (alias)